my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
