I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
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