I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
