At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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