What a fucking waste of an outfit
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
