I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
