I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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