I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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