Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
