uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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