u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
