I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
