If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
