Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't deserve a penis
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
