You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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