grandma shit on top of the toilet
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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