just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
