I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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