I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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