Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
