Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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