mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My ass is underappreciated
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
