Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
