I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
