dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
