Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
