All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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