I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
