Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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