my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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