he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
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I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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