she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
