I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
