Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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