fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
