My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
