so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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