I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
