Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just threw up on my dentist
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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