You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My ATM looks so different sober.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
