On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
