I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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