when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
