there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
