I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
