I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
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So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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