I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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