I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
