I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
