I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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