well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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