Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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