1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
