do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
