We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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