She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
