You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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