Where is the hickey?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
