Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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