And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
