Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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