Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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